Helping Wounded Husbands

Happy Holidays. It can be the best of times. It can be the worst of times. It’s an especially hard time if the ones closest to you are struggling. I was talking with a wise woman this week (mother, grandmother, and former pastor’s wife) who suggested I write a post about helping hurting husbands. This is a subject I suspect will resonate with many of you. There is much teaching now on strong male leadership in the church and home. If effort isn’t made in a book or sermon to carefully parse the doctrine of sanctification, distinguishing between the image of God to which we are being conformed and the realities of our depravity until we are glorified, a woman can become very discouraged by the nebulous image of Joe Christian Dude, pastor dad, leading his family from a position of strength and power, constant in character in the marathon Christian walk. The truth is that that caricature of the overcoming Christian man is just that … a caricature. He doesn’t exist. Or actually he does exist, but only in one single person, the perfect man Christ Jesus. For ALL other men, he may be the goal, but he is not the reality. Get that, ladies – even the pastors who seem like that guy, the ones that you secretly wish you’d married, do NOT have it together like that. Godly men may be somewhere along that journey, but none of them have arrived.

(And please note that this is not an article of disrespect to husbands. We are called to respect and submit to this very man in cooperation with God’s work to transform him into His image in Christ.)

God created the first woman to be a “helper suitable” to her male counterpart. But it is important to note that the Hebrew word for help is much stronger than our English term. When you think of “the help”, you may envision a maid, butler, or cook standing to the side waiting for a master of power and authority to give some order. If that’s your idea of what it means to be a helper suitable to your husband, you have missed the Biblical meaning of the term. Instead, think of the Man of Sorrows carrying His cross toward Gethsemene. As He stumbles, Simon of Cyrene steps in to carry it with (or for) Him. This is a much closer picture of the Biblical concept of Help. It’s not a maid. It’s more like a crutch. It’s not a mindless sidekick waiting on an order. It’s Morpheus or Trinity to the Matrix’s Neo. The Hebrew word is strong.

Consider again the Hebrew word translated helper at the first mention of the first woman in Genesis 2:18. We absolutely must let Scripture and not preconceived notions from our culture guide our thinking on the meaning of this term. The Hebrew word translated “helper” is ezer, meaning to help, nourish, sustain, or strengthen. It’s used in the Old Testament of God Himself, as in Deuteronomy 33:29.

Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will trample down their high places.

Ezer is used 21 times in the Old Testament, 16 of which are descriptions of God Himself. In the New Testament, the Holy Spirit is also called our Helper, Counselor, and Comforter (depending on which translation of the Bible you use—these are all translations of the Holy Spirit’s role of “paraklete”, or one who comes alongside in help.) God Himself is the greatest example to us of what He is calling us to do in fulfillment of this term.

So let’s consider God’s example on this issue of Help. In Exodus 18:4, God our Help defends (in contrast to attacking or ignoring the fight altogether). In Psalm 10:14 God our Help sees and cares for the oppressed (rather than being indifferent and unconcerned). In Psalm 20:2 and 33:20, God our Help supports, shields and protects (rather than leaving unprotected and defenseless). In Psalms 70:5, God our Help delivers from distress (rather than causing distress). In Psalm 72:12-14, God our Help rescues the poor, weak, and needy (rather than ignoring the poor and needy). And in Psalm 86:17, God our Help comforts (rather than causing discomfort or avoiding altogether).

God’s example reveals a high and worthy calling for wives as “helpers suitable to their husbands”. We are not glorified maids, butlers, or cooks simply waiting on an order to perform from a master. This is not God’s example of help at all!! We are called to show compassion, to support, defend and protect, to deliver from distress and to comfort, to bear burdens and sometimes hold up as a crutch. We are called to be conduits of God’s grace in our homes. We are called to be like Christ.

Don’t despair over respecting, submitting to, or helping a wounded husband. Don’t think that these instructions only work for wives of Joe Pastor Dad who has it all together. It is for this very moment that God intended you to come along side in quiet strength to support, uphold, and encourage your husband (often without words). If your husband is hurting, THIS is the time God has prepared for you. Be an ezer to him – helping him, sustaining him, strengthening him, and nourishing him as God does for you.

Exposed

Ephesians 5 ...Walk as children of light 9(for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,

"Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

A few years ago, the elders’ wives at the church I attended planned a women’s retreat entitled “Exposed,” taken from this section in Ephesians. I was a women’s ministry leader at the time, but to be honest, I dreaded going to this retreat. The title did not in any way naturally draw me. Personally, I did not want to be exposed and did not care to be apart of something that had set that as its agenda.

Then I went to the retreat. Each woman that spoke gave brutally honest testimony of where she had been in her darkness, how God had brought her from darkness to light, and all the ways God was still meeting her in her failures. Each one was exposing themselves, bringing their ugly pasts and some of their ugly present into the light. It ended up being one of the most powerful retreats with long lasting outcomes I have ever witnessed. As each speaker spoke on God’s redemption of her particular sin or the sins committed against her(gluttony, sexual addiction, vanity, sexual abuse, and so forth), women started understanding that hiding their sin, shame, and guilt was not the answer. Woman after woman started admitting her sin, exposing herself by walking out of the darkness and into the light. And while that can be terrifying and cruelly damaging in the wrong context, in the light of the gospel, it was beautiful, redemptive, and uplifting.

When Paul says to take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness and instead expose them, we probably all think of an instance of someone maliciously revealing someone else’s sin or shame. When people in darkness rip at others in darkness, there is no good that can come from it. Exposure of sin apart from the gospel is cruel, leaving devastation and hopelessness in its wake. It took that women’s retreat for me to finally understand how radically different God’s call to exposure is. In light of the gospel, I do not have to fear exposure. Instead, God says bring all of the nooks and crannies of your sin and shame to me. Let me shine the light of the gospel into even your deepest and darkest place of fear and guilt. And when these things are exposed to the light, they first become visible. And then they become light. What radical transformation! I praise God for the humble, godly women who chose this verse for that retreat (surely with great trepidation) and then lived the beauty of this kind of exposure out before me. Instead of being devastating and degrading, we were moved by the beauty of God’s power to redeem to the praise of his glorious grace.

Parenting Our Children the Way God Parents His

The phrase "parenting our children the way God parents His" has stuck in my head since I first read and reviewed Grace Based Parenting. It's been the summary phrase through which I've filtered my views on discipline and punishment. I am God's adopted daughter, cherished and well loved. How does He parent me? How does He train me in righteousness? How does He root sin out of my life? What does He do when I don't obey?

I have gained insight into a tiny piece of this from watching the teachers at our preschool. Sometimes, kids have strong opinions on something that is negotiable. If there is room to accomodate, the teachers will always do whatever they can to do so. They are very gracious. But sometimes there are non-negotiables. No, right now, every student in class has to sit on the rug at meeting. No, taking off your shoes and socks outside in the rain is not an option. The answer to the children with non-negotiables is that either they can do it on their own, or a grownup will help them do it. In that setting, the kids usually choose to conform, but sometimes if they remain stubbornly set on their own way, a grownup will gently but firmly help them to do what they are supposed to do. I think this model has beautiful Biblical parallels.

My youngest has tapped into his strong will and started insisting on his own way very adamantly. Last week, the issue was just putting his dishes away. I can't believe how adamant he was to not obey me. And it didn't matter what consequences I offered, he refused to do what I asked. It got to the point that, short of child abuse, I was out of options to force him to do my bidding on his own. Then it occurred to me--"Ok. I will help you obey," and I carried him and his plate to put it in the sink.

"Help me obey." How many times have I cried out to God for this? And other times, I have had no desire to obey--I've just wanted to follow my own path. I find God is very gracious to turn me back to Himself and His way. He HELPS me obey. He removes stumblingblocks to my obedience. When I am tempted to sin, He makes a way for me to bear it.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

When I carried my son to put his dish in the sink, I almost cried thinking of all the times God has carried me to accomplish His will when I was too weak or stubborn or rebellious to do it on my own. He has poured His full wrath for my sins on Christ on the cross, and now He proactively trains me in righteousness by His gracious good hand helping me transform into something I could never accomplish on my own. In this model, disciplining my children stops being a struggle of justice and punishment but becomes a meditation on the mercy, grace, and goodness of God that conforms me to His image. I believe the greatest model for any of us on what godly parenting looks like is God Himself. I would challenge all of us to look at our parenting skills and then ask what it reflects on how we view God our Father and how we think he parents us. You might be amazed at some very wrong views of God that trickle down in how you parent as well.

Dealing with Our Husband's Job Problems

In the current economic setting, many of us are struggling with the loss of jobs, reduction of income, and more general stress in the workplace as employers require more of employees with no added compensation. As a follow up to the post on being a safe place for our husbands to share their burdens, I wanted to share some practical wisdom I've learned the hard way about walking with my husband during a hard time with his job (or lack of job).

First of all, have you personally struggled with infertility or miscarriage? If so, you are uniquely equipped now to better understand your husband's burdens with his job. If you haven't struggled with child bearing issues, try to think about how you would feel if you had -- if all your friends were easily getting pregnant and telling you what worked for them but none of it worked for you. If your vision for your future involved raising children but you realized your powerlessness to accomplish that on your own. In my own experience, I found very clear parallels between my struggles with fears and insecurities when I confronted the fact I may not be able to have children and my husband's emotional struggles when faced with unemployment and job insecurity.

First, I internalized my fears with infertility in a very different way than my husband. He does the same with his job concerns. If he lectured me on why I shouldn't be so concerned about having children, that God is good, and His timing is perfect, it would seem slightly hollow to me as he didn't struggle with it with the way I did. Similarly, I needed to respect the fact that my husband internalized job insecurities differently than me and THAT WAS OK. Lectures for him to come around to my way of thinking on it just weren't fair. Instead, I needed to listen to(not lecture) him when he felt like talking and respect his silence when he didn't.

One thing I noted when I was struggling with infertility was that advice on what to do and things to try was helpful at times. At other times, it just added a weight to an already overtaxing burden. Similarly, during the near year my husband was unemployed, he was glad to try most any and everything anyone suggested. More on his resume. Less on his resume. Try this company. Try that company. But there came a point when every good suggestion he was given didn't produce any fruit. And he needed a definite break from well meaning advice on what to try next.

Ultimately, with both my getting pregnant and him getting a job, God did it in His way in His good time, not because of the good effort we had put into it but in SPITE of our efforts. My encouragement isn't to lay back and do nothing. But I also respect our need to sit quietly with someone with no pressure from us to try something new. Sometimes, they just need to sit, take a breath, and not think about it for a while. And it's helpful for them to be around someone who respects this need.

So my advice is this -- Don't lecture him. Do listen to him. Don't pressure. Do encourage when the time is right (and not by your agenda but the Spirit's prompting). Don't despair. Do empathize.

His job issues will strike at the heart of your need for security as well. You will need to be completely confident in the good hand of your sovereign, compassionate, and all wise God at work for your family if you want to be strong and quietly available to your spouse in this season. God is in control. He loves You. And He knows what He's doing. Trust Him so that you can be a safe place for your husband.

An Anthology of Posts on Endurance, Suffering, Trust, Etc.

I can't believe the number of hits one post on verbally violent elders has generated. The comments were thoughtful, and I enjoyed the discussion. Now, I want to shine a light on a focus of this blog over the last year--endurance, perseverance, and hope in suffering. If you are waiting, enduring, or just barely hanging on, watching the gulf between what you thought your life would be and what the reality currently is, here are posts that you may find encouraging.

1) This World Is Not My Home

2) Fruitful in the Land of My Affliction

3) Learning Obedience through Suffering

4) Job, Screwtape, and Our Testimony in the Heavenly Places

Pugnacious Elders

I come from a long line of fighting fundamentalists, at least in terms of my spiritual genealogy. I remember a saying that hung on the wall of one of the pastors under which I sat for a number of years in my hometown. It was something along the lines of “I ain’t no limp-wristed, panty waist” something or other and seemed a motto by some fundamentalist leader to encourage pastors to fight for the faith. I had another pastor (KJV only) in my teen years who told all the youth kids about a Chuck Norris movie he loved where his favorite scene was Chuck Norris killing a rat and coming up out of a bag with it in his mouth. This pastor’s teenage sons ended up shooting a man in a drug deal gone bad, and I think they ended up in jail. I’m not citing that as cause and effect, by the way. Just noting some interesting facts.

Now a newer, more sophisticated version of the fighting fundamentalist has emerged. A friend recently recounted to me a counseling situation in which a husband admitted to the pastor counseling him that he was struggling with other religions, and the pastor replied that he just wanted to hit the guy. He, of course, didn’t hit the counselee. He just WANTED to, and he unleashed his anger on this guy verbally though not physically. These weren’t backwards, uneducated Christians either. The counselee left the church ... and eventually the faith.

Even as a teenager in Chuck Norris Want-a-be’s church, I noted that the qualifications of an elder in I Timothy 3 in the NAS (which I used at the time even though I was in a KJV only church) said, “not addicted to wine or pugnacious, but gentle, peaceable, free from the love of money.” The ESV says “not violent, but gentle”. I get the feeling that as long you don’t actually make fist contact with face, this new version of the fighting fundamentalist thinks they no longer violate this standard for eldership. I would like to go on the record as very strongly disagreeing with that assumption. First and foremost, the Greek word translated pugnacious/violent can mean both the one who actually hits and the one who is just ready to hit. It also can mean a person who is contentious or quarrelsome. In other words, this standard includes verbal violence as well as physical. It includes a STANCE of violence (and an ATTITUDE of violence) as well as the actual act.

In my many years experience growing up under the spiritual authority of fighting fundamentalists, their consistent excuse for their stance of violence is that anything else represents a tolerance of sin and false belief. However, Scripture VERY CLEARLY presents a 3rd way. Scripture warns against subverting the truth AND verbal violence in defense of the truth. BOTH are sin.

Jesus is our model for this 3rd way. In the qualifications of an elder in I Tim. 3, it is called gentleness. The same word is used in 2 Tim. 2:24-26 when Paul instructs the Lord’s servants in how to handle conflict. Be GENTLE. I’ve never heard a fighting fundamentalist give a sermon on gentleness. It’s a limp wristed, panty waist word, right?! Be careful. In fact, be convicted! If the term gentle makes you think women are taking over the church, you need to repent. Gentleness isn’t a sign that women have taken over a church. Not at all!! For women have definitely reach equality with men on the issue of verbal violence. Gentleness is a sign that JESUS and His GOSPEL have taken over the church.

Matthew 11:29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.

Biblical gentleness isn’t weakness. I can prove it to you from Scripture multiple ways, and yet some hard-hearted people still won’t hear it. But it is the Scriptural truth. Gentleness is strength UNDER CONTROL. And in Scripture, it’s strength under God’s control. Verbal and physical violence are strength that has lost its submission to the Holy Spirit and has taken authority on itself. A baby is weak. It can’t hurt a fly. An adult is gentle because though they have the strength to crush the baby, they temper that strength for the baby’s protection. God’s good under shepherd is STRONG. But his strength is submitted to the Holy Spirit. He values the quality of gentleness. He does not assume a stance of violence.

For more on the SCRIPTURAL qualifications of elders/pastors, I recommend this post and the sermon to which it is linked.

The Heart of Her Husband Safely Trusts in Her

Prov. 31 (NAS) 10An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

The virtuous wife. She is the seemingly impossible standard that for generations has hung over the heads of Christian women who care. First, let me say boldly that I think the NAS is correct when it translates this as the excellent WIFE as opposed to translations that call it the excellent or virtuous WOMAN. The word can mean either wife or woman, but the subsequent descriptions all center around wifely duties. Many godly Christian women never marry despite their desire to do so, and they do not lose their hope of being an excellent, virtuous Christian woman because of this state. Proverbs 31 is a particular description of a particular role—what does it look like to reflect the image of Christ as a wife in the home?

The very first descriptive trait of the virtuous wife deals with the heart of her husband. She is a SAFE PLACE for his heart.

Amplified Bible 11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.

The Hebrew word for heart is leb, meaning inner man, heart, understanding, mind, will, and so forth. This is our husband’s inner place where he holds his hopes and fears, dreams and worries, desires and burdens. The Hebrew word for trust is batach, meaning to trust in, have confidence in, be secure with, to feel safe with, to be careless with. When you put them together, the excellent wife is a safe place for her husband to let down his guard and be honest about his inner burdens and struggles. He can be careless in what he reveals of himself because he has confidence in his security with his wife.

This is convicting to me every time I read it, because instead of being the safe place that my husband can let down his guard, I usually feel threatened. Like Jack Nicholson says in A Few Good Men, I “can’t handle the truth.” If he lets down his guard about insecurities at work, my fears bubble up over job security and paying our bills. If he lets his guard down about problems in the church, I feel threatened over my future ministry. If he lets his guard down about issues in our home, I worry that our marriage is going to fall apart. If he shares concerns about his health, I’m afraid of what I’m going to do if he dies. When my response to his heart is fear, worry, self-condemnation, and worst case scenarios, you know what his response will be every time? He’ll shut up!

The end of Proverbs 31:11 gives an interesting consequence. A husband who can trust his heart with his wife has no need for dishonest spoil. Now, you can apply that in a myriad of practical ways. I think the big idea is that more than keeping an attractive figure, a clean house, good sex, or whatever, a wife can protect her marriage best by being a safe, secure place for her husband to let down his guard.

As someone who has a quiet husband and who has often squandered the opportunities I’ve been given to be a safe place for his heart, here are some practical tips for being an excellent wife.

1) Be secure in Christ. You MUST have confidence in the sovereign hand of your wise, compassionate Heavenly Father. There is no other way you can handle your husband’s concerns and insecurities. Traditionally, our husbands are the place women find (or at least try to find) their security. That will NEVER work, and I submit it was never God’s intention that women find their security in their husbands. Instead, we find our security in our Father, and only then can we become a safe place for our husband’s insecurities.

2) When that rare moment opens that your husband offers a tiny glimpse into his inner man, stop what you are doing and pay attention. Shut your mouth. Listen. Ask a moderate follow up question. Don’t give advice. Let him safely, securely, CARELESSLY share with you his inner concerns, fears, successes, and dreams.

I have been thankful for this first instruction in Proverbs 31 concerning the excellent wife. It has brought much clarity to my relationship with my husband. I hope meditating on it will be helpful to you today as well.

Unpacking Forgiveness

Based on the entries I've post on grace (here, here, and here), this book looks like a wonderful resource.

Training Effective Teachers Part 2 -- Communicating Your Objectives

WARNING: If the student hasn’t learned, the teacher hasn’t taught.

This is a good saying from a long time dean in the school of education where I was first taught the need to communicate your objective. The truth is that you cannot call it teaching if your class/audience/students don’t walk away having understood your primary point. You can call it lecturing. You can call it giving a talk. But it’s not teaching. You may have TRIED to teach, but if the student doesn’t get it, you haven’t accomplished your objective.

You can prepare the best content in all the world, but if you don’t speak to your audience in a way that connects with them, they’ll never get it. In that case, it’s nice that you learned something for yourself, but you’ve squandered a great opportunity to communicate truth to the next group. Of course, we know that we are utterly dependent on the Holy Spirit’s work to truly enlighten the hard hearts of any of us to spiritual truth. What I want to do is simply give some practical thoughts to help you remove barriers to effective communication. We want to teach in a way that removes unnecessary hindrances and paves the way (as imperfect as our best efforts may be) for the work of the Spirit. As Paul says in Ephesians 4, our words have the potential to minister grace to the hearer, and it is a precious privilege to join with Him in His work.

With that said, here are some practical points.

1) Communicate your OBJECTIVE. What one main idea do you want students to walk away with? Don’t walk in with an overabundance of points to communicate. The 18 point outline is overwhelming. People often can’t remember any one thing because they are overwhelmed trying to remember every different thing. Also, don’t allow yourself to wing it or to just speak a stream of consciousness from the heart. That kind of talk has its place in certain circumstances, but it’s usually not the mainstream teaching environment of a class or retreat. You need to know the specific principle from Scripture you want to communicate and gear your outline to reinforce it to your class.

2) Teach to the back row. This may sound weird, but let me explain. In the stereotypical class setting, the easy students sit at the front and stare at you with attentive eyes (madly taking notes) the whole lesson. The temptation is to focus there. The back row has the stragglers, those likely unsure about being there at all. Teach to them. In a large group setting when you are speaking from a podium, make eye contact with the back row. Talk to your audience as individuals rather than a mass. If you work to reach the back row audience, you will also reach every audience in between.

3) Less is more (handouts, powerpoint, gimmicks, cutesiness). Often, an audience remembers a gimmick but forgets the message. I discussed this in part 1, but it is worth repeating here. Don’t underestimate the power of the Word itself to change hearts. Use as much in the way of powerpoint or handouts that will support and communicate your main objective, but guard yourself against using gimmicks that end up distracting instead of supporting your points.

4) Consider other modalities of learning. Not everyone learns best the same way you do. What communication style works best for you? You may need to actively concentrate on reaching students with different learning styles. If you can, incorporate multiple modalities (auditory, visual, tactile). For some people it is really helpful to have room to write notes. For others, it’s most helpful to have the notes already written down for them so they can just look at you and listen. I am a literal, logical, analytical thinker and speaker. I tend to drop the ball when it comes to global thinkers who need to see the big picture. It's a place I have to actively work.

5) Think about the best teacher you ever had. What did you like about their teaching style? How did they communicate their objectives?

6) Figure out the base line of your audience. This is REALLY important. Define your terms. Get your audience on a level playing field. Proverbs 14:6 says, “A scoffer seeks wisdom and finds none, But knowledge is easy to one who has understanding.” Knowledge is easy to one who understands! Don’t talk over the heads of your audience. Don’t impress them with theological terms they don’t need to know. They will understand your objective when you communicate your points in clear words your audience understands.


7) Consider all of the ways your words can be misinterpreted. Don’t be naïve. It’s a cruel world out there, and some victim of it is sitting in your audience ready to challenge you out of their pain. Know your audience. Think through their issues. One of my current pet peeves is the wealth of teaching to women on being a wife and mother as their highest calling that completely ignores the state of a very large percentage of godly Christian women who are single or infertile. If you don’t acknowledge this issue and paint it correctly in light of the gospel, you can hamstring women who are already struggling with the goodness of God and His sovereignty over their circumstances. Think hard on how your specific audience will receive your words and what you can do to make sure you (and more importantly, the Word) are not misinterpreted.

8) Humor, honesty, and sincerity. Redeem the pain in your own life. Be honest about your struggles (without revealing too much). Don’t set yourself up as the expert, but recognize that by default you will become a living example of what you discuss.


9) Finally, teach it to the microwave first. This is a really practical point. Don’t just prepare an outline. Teach your outline. To the microwave, your dog, or whatever piece of furniture in your house or tree in your yard that you can do it in peace. I watch the timer on my microwave because the time of your lesson is important in so many settings. I can’t tell you the times I finished in 20 minutes what was supposed to last 45. I hadn’t done appropriate prep work and didn’t make use of the time the people listening to me allowed me to have. I have learned to teach through it several times from beginning to end visualizing my audience as I practice—not memorizing it because that always comes across as insincere (in my humble opinion).

So those are some practical things that have been helpful to me in the past. I am personally well out of practice, and I review them now in preparation for my own re-entry into the world of teaching. May we all as teachers prayerfully consider how we can remove barriers and stumblingblocks that will distract our listeners from the God-given objective we most need to communicate.

Training Effective Teachers

I have taught a quick 3 week intensive on teacher training several times over the years, each in an effort to identify and train women to teach the Bible effectively. This training was not aimed at small group leadership. It centered around teaching the Bible to larger groups. I thought it might be valuable to share some of this with you the reader as I reviewed it myself before some teaching I get to do at a retreat next month.

The first post will focus on the two-fold foundation for teaching Christ—knowing your doctrine and then teaching it and living it with grace and humility. The second will focus on practical methods. But first, there is no greater warning I can think of to give myself or other teachers other than this: you need to know your stuff even as you guard yourself from the inevitable pride issues that surface when you know your stuff.

1 Corinthians 8:1 NASB Now concerning things sacrificed to idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.

Proverbs 6 NIV 16 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19 a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

James 3 NASB 1 Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. 3 Now if we put the bits into the horses' mouths so that they will obey us, we direct their entire body as well. 4 Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires. 5 So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. 7 For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. 8 But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.

The tongue is powerful. Before you ever say a word of a lesson, you need to understand its vast power for both good and evil. You can win the doctrinal debate from Scripture and still lose the heart of the person to which you are speaking (or those who are overhearing your words). There is a reason that Paul exhorts believers to “speak the truth in love” in Ephesians 4. It is because speaking truthfully from Scripture is not automatically loving. We must speak the truth in a way that is consistent with I Corinthians 13’s precise definition of Biblical love. We are kind, not rude; patient, not demanding; we bear long instead of stomping off when we don’t get the response we wanted.

Here are some other general big ideas to keep in mind when preparing content to teach.

ONLY the Word of God and the Holy Spirit can transform lives. Sharp presentations and memorable stunts don’t change lives. The Word changes lives. 2 Cor. 10:3-4; Jer. 23:29

I Cor. 1 NIV
18For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."
20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
26Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things -- and the things that are not -- to nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may boast before him. 30It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

People may remember your stunt but forget your message. A friend once told me about a message he heard in which the preacher gave out Band-Aids to all those in the audience with some instruction on how to use them. My friend recounted in detail the Band-Aid, its use, the participants response, his response, and so forth. But when I asked him what the message was about, he couldn’t remember. Memorable stunt. Unmemorable presentation of Scripture. Bells and whistles are much more likely to distract from your message than enhance it. Never underestimate the power of God Himself through His Word alone to get His message across exactly as He intends.

The Word of God is SUFFICIENT to thoroughly equip us for all God has called us to do. Extra-biblical steps and methods are at best minimally helpful. The force for transforming lives is “holding fast to the Head” (Col. 2:19 NASB) which is Jesus Christ.

2 Timothy 3 16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.


Col. 2:23 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

When I say extra-Biblical, I mean those things that seem good ideas to you but that the Bible doesn’t specifically prescribe. Guard yourself against offering the things that worked for you as the only choice that all wise believers make. If you have content that is outside of Scripture, consider either cutting it or carefully teaching it in context of the sufficiency of Scripture on any given topic. Point people to Christ as both the ONLY model to which they need to be conformed and the ONLY method that will transform them.

The greatest command is to love God with all our hearts. The second is to love our neighbors as ourselves. ALL OTHER LAWS HINGE UPON THESE FIRST TWO.

Matthew 22 36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

If you are teaching on sin, repentance, holiness, or righteousness, make sure you clearly link whatever content you present on righteousness to the foundation of all righteousness—Biblical love. Moral improvement that is not founded on a love for God and I Corinthians 13 style love for others is NOT righteousness. Never forget that! This may be the greatest pothole into which Christian teachers fall.

The gospel of Christ is the offending element of our message.

Romans 9 33As it is written, Behold, I lay in Sion a stumblingstone and rock of offence: and whosoever believeth on Him shall not be ashamed.

Romans 14 13Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.

I have heard my fair share of offensive, in your face teaching by various Christian speakers over the years. Many justify their ungracious, offensive methods because both Jesus and Paul at times spoke very pointedly in ways that offended their listeners. However, if you examine the times that Jesus’ listeners were offended by His message, it is always some aspect of the gospel that was the line in the sand that they could not hear or accept. We must clear out all other rocks of offence in our speaking that our audience may be confronted with the only rock of offence that matters—Jesus Himself. The most offensive element of the Christian message is that Jesus is the ONLY way to God. It is grievous when a speaker sets up their own agenda as more important than the gospel, allowing unnecessary offensive teaching to cause listeners to stumble and drop out well before they ever get to Jesus Himself.

BOTTOM LINE: We teach SCRIPTURE, not PERSONAL AGENDAS; we preach CHRIST, not HUMAN WISDOM; and we change lives through RELATIONSHIP, not METHOD.

The next post will cover practical helps for connecting with your audience.